Things Yelled At Me: "You have to give a speech! Tomorrow!"

Yeller: Robert Hutton

Place: Henderson High School

Time: June 2013

This is gonna seem like I'm bragging at first, but trust me, I'm not.

In our school we had something called the national honor society. A lot of schools have this. Basically if you meet some basic academic requirements, and never commit a terrible crime that would get you expelled, then you got invited to be part of this organization. They invite in your senior year and you get these cool wizard sash things and it’s a good thing to put on a resume. But while you’re in the NHS you’re expected to be part of some charity events too.

In our class of nearly 500 students, 430 of us got into the NHS. So I’m not bragging. We had an assembly where we all came in and they’re like “You didn’t get expelled!” And we’re like, “We know.” And then we left.

That afternoon at the end of the school day I visited my psychology teachers classroom to ask for a deadline extension on an essay for the third time that semester. I was petrified, I knew I was gonna get chewed out but I figured this was the only way to possibly save my grade.

I get to the classroom and it’s filled with other kids all signing their name on a blank piece of paper. My teacher looks at me and says, “Ryan, what are you doing here?” And I slowly replied, “I’m here to… sign the paper.” So I signed it and left. But I grabbed a friend of mine who had also signed it and said “What did I just sign up for?!” And he goes “You just signed up to run for MHS president.”

“You have to give a speech! Tomorrow!!”

And I go, “Noooooooo!”

I spent that whole night writing a speech. After hours of writing I read it out loud to my older brother, and it was terrible. It was super cliche, nothing catchy about it. But I didn’t really care because I didn’t want to win, I just wanted to give my speech and leave.

But my brother was a former campaign manager and he said to me, “Ryan, if you want to win, it’s simple. Just say something bold, something unique. That’s all you have to do to win.” And this turned out to be really good advice because I knew exactly how this was gonna go down. There were 12 of us running, and 11 of us we’re going to go up and talk about our qualifications, because 11 of us had qualifications.

I had zero qualifications. My only extra-curricular was that I was president of the school scrabble club. A club that consisted of me and my three friends, once a year, for four years, playing one game of scrabble and then walking to Dairy Queen afterwards.we spent more time taking the club yearbook photo every year then we did actually playing scrabble.

The next day we have an assembly in the morning, and everyone is giving their speeches. I was last in the line up because I was last to sign up, but halfway through watching these speeches I think to myself, “I kinda wanna win this thing.”

So I threw away my original speech, and when it’s my turn I walk on stage and turn to the audience of 429 students and say,

“Here’s what I wanna do. We’re gonna go into the city and hand our socks to homeless people, and we’re gonna call it ‘Sox in the City’.”

And then I said, “Get it?”, and they did NOT.

Then I said, “Then we’re gonna go to the beach, and hand out Sox to homeless people on the beach, and we’re gonna call it, ‘Sox on the Beach’.”

And I said, “Get it?”, and they did not, AGAIN!

I finished my speech by saying, “A vote for me is a vote for Sox in the City.” And I walked off stage completely regretting everything that I had done to this point. That night I couldn’t sleep, I felt so awful and embarrassed.

The next day I was eating in the cafeteria alone and my teacher finds me in there. He comes up to me and says, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but everyone voted for the ‘Sox guy’.”

And he wasn’t joking. It was a write-in vote and most people didn’t know my name so they just write “the Sox guy”. And that’s how I became president of the national honor society! And if you’re wondering if we actually did any of those Sox projects- we did not!

#ThingsYelledAtMe #RyanRoeComedy

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